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Order, Order in the House


Video: Sam Cooke & Cric Clapton - Somebody Ease My Troublin' Mind


I have been meandering about in my brain trying to figure out the thing that really brought order to my life many years ago; you know that time I ran marathons and lost 130 pounds? I always thought it was exercise, but then why has it been so hard to get back to my exercising ways?

This week has been one of chaos, sadness, anger, rage, and everything in between. I don't mean what we all watched on TV, but also internally. I've been dealing with some tough/heavy shit everywhere... When I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. It used to be when my life at home was hard, I could bury myself in work; when my life at work was hard, I could bury myself in exercise; when exercise was hard, I could bury myself into friends; when friends were hard, I could bury myself at home; and the cycle would continue, but in a very healthy way. What the F*CK do you do when it is all hard? Add to it that I was torn apart watching people storm our US Capital, I am dealing with extreme agoraphobia, and COVID-19/politics is bringing out the ugly in people... Then what???

As these very painful drum beats have been thundering in my head, and I look anywhere for release. I have been searching for that moment that I took control many years ago. What was it? When was it? How was it? PS. I sit and cry when I write most of my posts here; it is cathartic, but probably concerning to my feline, canine, and human companions. They have all taken turns staring at me from across the room this morning. As I cycled in my brain, and even in my actions, I wasn't coming to any natural conclusions. And then it hit me... I cannot bring order to my own internal chaos, until I bring order into my routine, and my surroundings. 

One of my longest time friends has come to my house over the years and has always wanted to dig in and organize. She probably could tell what was going inside my head every time she walked in my home. In fact, one time she came to visit me in Columbus, when I was having a particularly difficult time. She stayed for an extra day to organize and clean, and it made the next day so much easier. Damnit Chris, why did you have to move so far away, perhaps it is time I chase you across the country again; since it seems to be what we do...

Several weeks ago I grand gestured my 21 days of self care right here on this blog. You know what happened when I started 21 days of self care? I did a lot of yoga, and then I laid on the couch recovering from a fairly mild, but very inconvenient case of COVID-19. Remember the agoraphobia? Yeah, I can't figure out where I got COVID either. And then my self care went out the window-ish, when I decided it would be fun to make over 1,000 Christmas cookies to deliver to all my family and friends. 

I make these very declarative statements every time I come here to share, and I really don't have any major declarative statement for today. But let me tell you amidst this chaos, I can see order. I am recalling the days when almost every time I woke up in the morning, or got home from work, the dishes were done. Yep, I did that... Now I'm on day 10 of my dishes before bed streak (thank you habitify for keeping track for me. I also remember a time when I wouldn't eat out except for my Saturday's with Sue, and Chipotle during Gray's anatomy, and random nights out with friends. Doordash has made eating out all to convenient during covid and agoraphobia times. I am now on a 17 day eating only what I have cooked at home streak. You know what? I feel like I got some of my control back when I reflected on those accomplishments, right here. This weekend I spent some time finishing up my reorg of my kitchen, and it feels damn good. Things are in functional spaces, and I can eat off my counters. Nothing like some good old fashioned order!

All this to say, I know this week has been sad to so many of us, as it should be. I also know that my other gut-wrenching stuff is sad and complicated, but taking this moment to reflect, and the moments to organize my space is what is bringing order to my house. 

Thank you for reading...

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