Sunday, April 8, 2012

Abandonment

We all heard the warnings, and we have ignored them...

Yesterday all my training plans fell apart. I was abandoned by my plan!!! I know it is only a momentary set back but only the doctor will tell me how momentary. Judging by my continued need for the crutches and the squeaky feeling in my leg when I flex my foot I'm thinking it might be a few days or so before I can resume regular activity; maybe longer...

Yesterday, while I was running my last couple of miles with my running group I felt a pop in my leg and jumped off the trail so as not to impede the progress of my group. I stood there a few minutes in pain, held on to the fence, flexed my foot a few times and said 'Ouch'. Well maybe I didn't say ouch but I'm sure the words that came out of my mouth in the moment were somewhat X rated and should probably not be shared right now.

I started making slow walking progress back toward the high school and my leg HURT. I have noticed that on occassion running feels better than walking so I decided to test out this theory. I convinced myself for a quarter of a mile that this theory was in fact correct. Then my friend came to the rescue and told me in kinder words that I was being stupid and should walk it in; so walking is what I did. I kept my mind off the pain by telling some stories about my neices and nephews and I know I cried at one point (not my finest hour).

When I got back to the high school, I found myself a nice comfy spot on the frost covered grass, pulled off my calf sleeve and my shoe and started grasping at my leg as if begging it to stop hurting. I was offered hugs that I turned down (I shouldn't have, I quite needed them), I got comments on my holey socks (I swear the only time you put on holey socks and underwear is when someone is going to end up seeing them) and I gave in and went to talk to the athletic trainer, who I swore I would NEVER have to visit when it was first announced the service would be available at our Saturday morning runs (one of my friend's said to me this week, that if you want to see god laugh, you should tell him/her your plans).

My friend Laurie announced, after listening to the athletic trainer for me (thank goodness because I wasn't paying attention), that she was taking me to urgent care. I put up a fight and lost. I however did insist on walking to my car myself to get my wallet, again while using choice words to illustrate my frustration and need for indepencence. Thank goodness A and Laurie were there to think for me... They truly are some of the most supportive amazing people I have walked with in this little life of mine!

I was seen by a doctor who diagnosed me with a painful limb. If ever there was a time to use the phrase 'No Shit Sherlock', this would be it! I hate that term, but I have no other way of explaining my extreme frustration over the giggly gal who never gave me real follow up instructions but asked me if I wanted crutches when I clearly could not support my body with my 'lil leg. The diagnosis was funny, so was the experience, but also horribly tragic.

It is so funny how I am so intentional and emphatic about being independant when at the same time I try to push people away who so clearly care about me and want to help. Doesn't being independent include asking for help and taking that help when it is truly needed?

So I was having a very interesting and enlightening conversation with a person who I have come to admire greatly about abandonment. He told me a story he had heard once about a very extreme instance of abandonment. One, that quite honestly, made me cry and moved me even many hours after hearing the story. It made me realize on a much simpler, less tragic and certainly not even comparable level (but I'm going there anyway) I am feeling a little abandoned by my body.  I do have to also acknowledge that my mind and competitive nature abandoned my body, too.

Earlier in the week I emailed a friend stating that I was going to take Thursday as a rest day. The reason? My leg was a little tight, probably a little tendinitis and I needed to let it rest. I simply did not fully listen to my body but instead abandoned it and left it to try to keep up with my need to challenge my mind. You see, rest has not been in my vocabulary for some time and for that I am now hanging my head in shame knowing I need to pay more attention! Lesson learned...

Regardless, I will not let this conquer me. Sure, we can all tell stories of moments in which we abandoned someone, something. When my body needed me, I abandoned it. I, however, was not abandoned by my friends yesterday and for that I am sincerely thankful and is what needs to be remembered.

I have always had an affinity for a song called 'The Great Escape' by Patrick Watson. I fervently searched for a meaning to this song when I first heard it (admittedly on Grey's Anatomy). Never found one, which is actually a good thing! Not knowing the meaning allows me to find a different meaning in the song every day. All I can say is that perhaps my body was looking for an escape (rest)! Although the song sounds sad it is hopeful. It is going to be my constant reminder to not allow set backs to knock me down. After all, I still don't know what the doctor is going to tell me this week!

Take a listen and watch the animation. It really is a good video:


1 comment:

  1. I saw you sitting in the parking lot yesterday surrounded by what looked like a team of incredible friends. We are so lucky to have such support. I wish you the best with your diagnosis and will keep you in my thoughts as you perambulate this crazy path we athletes have chosen.

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