Monday, September 15, 2014

The Fear of Loss

I have been told that I don't know how to live in the moment because I am always making plans for the next moment. I like to argue that I am good at living in the moment, except when I am planning for what comes next. What is the difference? I don't know... Do you live with your cup half empty or half full? Same thing, right?

Well, I'm learning that I am somewhat wrong. I still stand by the fact that I live in the moment, afterall, I will stop to appreciate the snowfall, stars in the sky, the most recent household accomplishment, but that is between planning away my life.

When you have MS, there is this underlying knowledge that you may someday be disabled, thus a fear may develop. Is it rational? Some may argue that it isn't rational, afterall, I can walk out the door on any given morning and get struck by a bus, or fall and break my back, thus resulting in the exact same affliction of MS, potential paralysis. The difference between these circumstances is that when you have MS, you have a ton of time to ponder the life of being disabled, or the loss of memory, or the loss of some other bodily function. When you have a tragic event that happens in an instant, you don't even know it is coming and then are faced with coping after the tragic experience.

Wow, just stating that makes me realize that knowing you have MS, and living with it daily, really is simply a gift. It provides the opportunity to cope with some of the emotions, prior to the potential event. Again, glass half full, here!

And I digress. The reality is, it is extremely hard to live in this moment, when you know there is a potential of loss. Take that relationship you may have experience, that you really want to be secure in, but you aren't, so you are always afraid it is going to go away. Have you experienced that phenomenon? I certainly have, but have come to realize that the people I keep around now, are trustworthy, otherwise they wouldn't be around. But if you have experienced that, you may have found yourself constantly internalizing what you might do if you lost that person. Again, MS is exactly the same. Pondering the what ifs, rather than appreciating the right nows.

The fear of loss is a profound obstacle to deal with. I don't know whether I have to deal with the fear of loss because I have lost something significant in my life? Or simply because I love what I have in the present and I can't fathom my life changing?

I need to give MS, technology and medicine a change!!! Because regardless of all that I say in this post, I do know the moment you quit fearing loss, whether it is the loss of a person, thing, ability, skill, you open yourself up to the possibility of appreciating the moment that is right in front of you. This is something I struggle with daily BUT I will never never give up!!!

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